Flying The Not So Friendly Skies
After an eight hour layover in Philly because of bad weather we were allowed to board our simulated World War I era crop duster that Southwest Airlines jokingly calls a 747. The legroom was minimal and we seemed to be surrounded by people whose seat backs and tray tops will NEVER be returned to their original and upright positions.
The worst of the lot was a middle aged woman dressed in a cheesy looking leopard print jacket and matching pants and her mother. They were seated across the aisle and just behind me. They fussed at each other in a high pitched nasally whine about anything and everything the entire trip. "Mother, look at this piece of junk - why did you buy this - are you crazy"? To which the mother responds to her whiney spawn "Well to hell with it then - I'll just give it away if it's not good enough!" Whiney Spawn then says "if your just going to give it away, can I have it?"
I could have taken the fighting and whining. It was the coughing, sneezing, wheezing and snorting that got to me. I had to rename Whiney Spawn and christined her "Coughing Woman". Her mother became "Snorty Mama." Giving total strangers native indian type names is a method of entertaining myself which I learned from my association with the Fukawee Indians. It helps to pass the time. But that's another story.
I tried to sleep. Coughing Woman coughed and sneezed, then shot me a mean, fierce look when I glanced at the source of the nimiety of noxious noise. Snorty Mama laughed, whined a little, snorted loudly then fell asleep. Coughing Woman fell asleep too but they both snored. They sounded like a freight train making a milk run across the top of the Rockies. "Woooo, snort, hack, hack hack, psssss, arrr, cough." I pretended to be studying my shoe laces.
We finally started our descent but the landing was a bit rough - how could it have been otherwise? I wasn't sure whether we had landed safely or were shot down. Coughing Woman and Snorty Mama missed the entire thing - they were no doubt exhausted. They slept right up to the time when we had taxied to the terminal. By the way, whoever came up with the bright idea to call a place you leave from and return to in an airplane a "terminal?" Anyway, a lady (Princess Eatitbeforeitgetsaway) sitting behind Coughing Woman and Snorty Mama obviously took great pleasure in shouting at them to "wake the hell up and get off the dam plane."
We gathered our wet luggage, which Southwest had apparently allowed to sit on the tarmac in Philly in the rain all day and headed for our car. By then it was about 2:00AM - we were tired and sleepy and just glad to be on solid ground again and away from CW and SM. As we were leaving the parking lot two large figures stepped off the curb into the street and I had to slam on my brakes. It was them! CW and SM throwing one more insult at the more organized rest of the world while they wondered around looking for their car.
I had come within two feet of running right over Snorty Mama and didn't miss Coughing Woman by much either. I backed up and tried to take another shot at Snorty Mama but by the time I spotted her and Coughing Lady again they were escaping in an bundo colored pick-up truck with a "Save The Whales" bumper sticker. Maybe next time.