Friday, February 25, 2005

Judges Gone Wild

In my years in the court-room, I've seen many judges asserverate decisions that amounted to nothing more than discurvive mumbo-jumbo. I've seen some speak in a comforting, mellifluous manner while reaming people in their courts like Gengis Khan's army visiting a village of unarmed circus performers.

While most judges are thoughtful, considerate and well qualified, some are intemperate idiots. Judges who take outright bribes are rare but those whose rulings are tainted by political bias or personal favoritism are more common.

I've seen judges sleep during court proceedings. There was one, now retired who would swivel his chair around so his back would face the audience as the lawyers droned on. If he had to make a ruling, his clerk would wake him by tapping him on his leg once and he would mutter "motion over-ruled". If he'd been tapped twice he'd say "sustained". Three times meant "judge, roll over, you're snoring".

What brought this to mind is the report of a judge being removed for masturbating under his robe DURING TRIALS AND HEARINGS. I've seen a lot, and thought I'd heard everything, but never anything like that.

I had to wonder, did he ever change expression during court? Did he ever say something totally out of context like "Oh my God!!! Your motion is over-ruled!" or "sustained, but whose yer Daddy"? What movies had this guy been watching "Debby Does the Judiciary"? It sure as heck wasn't "Free Willy". On second thought, maybe it was.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Queen Refuses to Attend Wedding

I think I have a scoop from across the pond. Everyone knows that Prince Charles is planning to marry his long-time girlfriend, "Rotweiler" Camilla Parker Bowles in a civil ceremony. What a lot of people don't know is that Elton John will not be attending.

If they were planning on having a guy play the piano while dressed up like he's on his way to Mardi Gras they're going to have to get somebody else.

Monday, February 21, 2005

If Pigs Had Wings

Is anybody else tired of hearing the whining on the part of Kerry supporters? It's been almost four months since the latest Democratic party loss, yet the "what if" games continue. After their loss in 2000 it was understandable for the Democrats to second guess the results, even to attempt to somehow spin their loss into a victory. But the 2004 election was not that close and it's time to give it up and "move on" as they so enjoyed saying when their last president got caught with his boxers down.

Time and again, I've heard and read that if only 60,000 Ohio voters had voted for Kerry rather than Bush, the new JFK would be leading the free world from the Oval Office and the Ketchup Queen would be our new First Lady. So what if 60,000 Ohio voters had changed their minds and voted for Kerry instead of Bush? The fact remains, they didn't. They voted for Bush and Bush won. It's W and Laura. Get over it.

Do they really want to play "what if"? What if 34,000 people had changed their minds in Oregon? How about a switch of 6,000 votes in Wisconsin and 5,000 in New Hamshire? If 45,000 voters had voted differently in those three states, Bush would have received 307 electoral votes instead of 286. Would that have been a landslide?

What if the rolls of registered voters were purged of illegal alien voters in California and New York? What if the democrats could no longer count on the fear factor to garner 95% of the Black vote? What if their social security con game designed to scare retirees was exposed and they lost that automatic voting niche? What if pigs had wings.

You can play that game ad infinitem and nothing is going to change. It's time to quit playing games and let the grown-ups get back to work.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

The Man In The Arena

Theodore Roosevelt was indeed a man - a real man. He wasn't afraid of anything, least of all failure. He had great enthusiasm and devotion and never hesitated to "speak softly and carry a big stick".

He was the opposite of many of today's politians - the Boxers, Kennedys and Howard Deans who scream bloody murder, then cower in their cubby holes like world class Vichy French.

I keep a quotation from one of his speeches in my office and read it often. I keep it in a place of honor, right next to my framed "Let's Roll".

Teddy said, "It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better."

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

There are other political quotations that are inspiring. Neither Richard Nixon's "I am not a crook" nor Ted Kennedy's "Iraq is a war that was hatched up in Texas" is among them. Nor is Kennedy's brother Jack's famous quote made at the Berlin wall: "I am a doughnut". That one is definitely not going up on the wall.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

But Don't Mess With Football

I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but political correctness is getting downright ridiculous. Is it Black or African American? American Indian or Native American? Handicapped or physically challenged? Damn people, make up your minds.

I won't quibble with whatever the latest preferred lable is. Whatever the latest victim of American imperialism wants to be called is OK with me. We in Houston are told those hundreds of thousands crowding our schools and hospitals and speaking spanish are Hispanic even though we all know they're Mexicans. Fine, and happy Cinco de Mayo.

Waitpersons, not waiters or waitresses - flight attendants, forepersons, fire fighters and police officers - it's all OK. Just make damn sure you don't mess with football.

In the world of political correctness, if football were even allowed to continue to exist I'm sure the PC crowd would want to take some of the agressiveness out of the game. After all, the purpose of the game much of the time is to knock your opponent on his butt and, if he gets up, do it again. I don't think they'd allow that or many other aspects of the game we know and love.

In PC football, aggressive tactics would be penalized and each play would instead begin with negotiation followed, if necessary, by consultation with a trained mediator. If it's your turn to score there should be no need for violence. Did you score last time? Then it's his turn. Share the scoring or go to time-out.

Penalties against players who commit transgressions would still be called but the offender would no longer be identified and made subject to ridicule, thereby risking permanent feelings of guilt. In PC football, the offender would be talked to in private by the team's social worker and after a good cry, would be allowed to continue his pursuit of footballian perfection in solidarity with his/her team-mates. Repeat offenders would be required to do community service by working to create a socialist utopia consisting of free education, universal health care and affordable housing for everyone.

Certain terms would be banned in the PC version of the game. The term "hail Mary" would be illegal because the religious reference would be a violation of the First Amendment. Everyone knows that the part of the First Amendment which says that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" means that any reference to anything Christian is forbidden.

The PC bunch wouldn't allow the quarterback to throw a bomb because of the obvious reference to violence and the possible use of military force. Things would even out though because the defense wouldn't be allowed to blitz as that term conjures up memories of Nazi atrosities and the Holocaust.

Terms that stress living in harmony with our environment in a secular, non-violent, mutually satisfying, non-gender specific world would become part of the football vernacular and all the workers attending the games would shout their approval when every game ended in a tie.

The PC crowd can have every thing else. Just leave football the hell alone. I want to see an open field tackle where the ball carrier gets tattooed on the 40 yard line and his helmet lands on the 50. I want to see some sissy looking quarterback sacked by 1000 pounds of defensive linemen - all at once. I want the kicker with the foreign name who never played anything but soccer to try to tackle somebdy on a kick-off and end up in the fifth row. I want to see somebody get knocked on their butt and trampled by a 250 pound fullback. I want to see all of this next year when the Dallas Cattlepersons take on the Washington Indigenous Peoples.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Why You Shouldn't Ask For That Autograph

There's been a rash of athletes - OK rash is not a good word to use in this context. Make that a large number of athletes lately who've had legal troubles. There's Kobe Bryant's sexual assault case and Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi with their use of anabolic steroids. Then there was the late Wilt Chamberlain who said he bedded more than 10,000 women during his NBA career. Do we really want to pay up to $100 or more to watch these guys play a kid's game?

They make millions of dollars per year playing a game but many tend to behave like depraved cretins. They do appreciate us and remain loyal and thankful for the riches bestowed upon them right? Well, no as a matter of fact they tend to play for the highest bidder with very few showing any loyalty whatsoever. They'll even go on strike like the NHL hockey players and refuse to play at all - to hell with everybody from the fans to the peanut vendors, and blow off an entire season.

Why do we put up with this behavior? What makes these people appear to be so deserving of hero worship and big bucks when in fact many of them deserve nothing from the public but the view from inside a jail cell?

It can't be their super intellect. Let's face it folks, although many of our heros went to college and some actually graduated, most of them don't have the intelligence of a tree trunk. Below are some examples of some jock talk - not exactly "four score" or "I have a dream" material.

Andre Dawson of the Chicago Cubs on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all dem kids to copulate me." What's that Andre?

George Rogers of the New Orleans Saints: "I want to rush for 1000 or 1500 yards, whichever comes first." George, how much math did you have to take to get that degree from South Carolina?

Torin Polk, University of Houston receiver: "Coach treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Hey Torin, I'm moving my locker away from you man. Especially since I saw you wearing that Victoria's Secret thong.

Joe Theisman, working as a TV analyst: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." A genius is certainly not anybody like you Joe. Graduated from Notre Dame did you?

Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler and Florida state coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said " You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." He's retired now, living in Florida and voted for Al Gore in 2000 - twice.

And then there was a smart one, Shelby Metcalf, former Texas A&M basketball coach when one of his players made four F's and one D: "Son, it looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

And finally Bum Phillips, former Oiler coach who said something uncharacteristically dumb (for him) about why he never took his wife on road trips: "she's too ugly to kiss good-bye." Imagine trying to explain that he was only kidding. Hey Bum, how comforfortable is that couch?

Monday, February 07, 2005

Million Dollar Baby

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree
And build a small cabin there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, as peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnights all a glimmer, and a noon purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavement gray,
I hear it in the heart's deep core.

William Butler Yeats

Clint Eastwood's character in Million Dollar Baby is searching for peace, solitude, forgiveness and redemption. He finds some of those in the poems of the Gallic poet Yeats but he remains unforgiven by a never seen daughter because of some unexplained sin in his past until he allows Hillary Swank's character, Maggie Fitzgerald to barge into his life.

Maggie has her own demons. She grew up in the Ozarks of Missouri and was raised by a white-trash welfare mother along with a mean and worthless sister and a jailbird brother. The only decent person in her life, her father, died when she was young.

Maggie is not searching idly for anything. She intends to find what she needs and pounce on it. This girl is not a buzzard waiting for something to die - she's an eagle willing to face overwhelming odds with uncommon bravery. She works a full time job in a restaurant while she trains to become the best female boxer in the world. She is all about determination, hard work, self-reliance and toughness.

Hillary Swank will win the Academy Award for her performance. So will Morgan Freeman in a supporting role. Clint Eastwood will win for Best Director and the movie will win for Best Picture.

It's one of the few movies I've seen in recent years where the entire audience was completely quiet . No whispering - nothing but an occasional sniffle. When the movie ended, there was no noise at all. We all sat there in stunned silence.

As Jen said, it's not a boxing movie. Don't go see it to be entertained but do go see it. Take somebody you love with you and take some kleenex.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Reagon quotes as relevant today.... they were when he originally said them.

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.

And one more, just because it still makes me grin...

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ronald Reagan would have been 94 today.

Bears In The Woods

My Son Doug and I are planning a kayak float trip down the Angelina River in the spring. We hope my son-in-law Scott (aka Sweet Pea) and his Golder Retriever Lars can go with us. In fact, anybody who wants an adventure through some really wild country is free to tag along.

We'll put in below Lake Sam Rayburn and fish our way downstream for about 8 miles. We plan to put out a trot line or two for catfish and then camp overnight on a sandbar or the river bank.

We'll have plenty of storage in the kayaks for a 3 person, 1 dog tent and a few provisions but we won't carry much with us. We'll plan on cooking our fish and if we don't catch anything (not possible) we won't eat.

On day two, we'll float downstream to a place called "Bee Tree Slough" where we'll actually have to paddle for the first time. One nice thing about our kayaks is that they have foot operated rudders. If you're going downstream, especially with the wind at your back, you can literally guide with your feet and never have to pick up your paddle.

We'll cross Bee Tree Slough and come out on the Neches River, 2 or 3 miles up stream from Steinhagen Lake. We'll float on down to Steinhagan and spend the night there in a cabin.

The total length of the trip is only about 20 miles and there's just one night of really roughing it on the river. There's no danger except for the bears that still roam the woods near the forks of the river.

The way to avoid the bears is to let them know you're there by making lots of noise. One of the worst things to do, increasing the chances of your becoming dinner for some hungry bear is to surprise him in his natural habitat. To avoid this, we'll do something my Grandfather taught me. We'll wear tiny jingle bells on our clothing while we're camped out on the river. With their ability to hear high frequency sounds, the bears will know we're coming long before we get there and stay out of our way.

Another thing my Grandfather taught me is to examine animal droppings to identify which ones you're sharing the woods with. He said you know it's a bear if you see little tiny jingle bells in it.

That's the truth.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Cheesesteak and Beer vs. Brie and Chardonnay

You can tell a lot about a town by the preferred cuisine and libation of the locals. If you have dinner at my house in Texas you're going to be eating beef. It may be ribeyes or t-bones grilled over mesquite wood, slow cooked brisket or fajitas but however it's cooked, you can bet it used to eat grass and go "moo". Texas food wouldn't please the palate of a vegetarian but in deference to them we always keep plenty of bark and roots around. In Texas, we're talking beef and lots of it. Come hungry.

We drink lots of sugar laden iced tea and local beer. People who drink their tea hot, their coffee at Starbuck's or drink german beer are routinely assaulted by even their own families and forced to move to Seattle or some other place north of here that tolerates pretention.

I've been to Philly once, when I was 10 or 11 years old. We drove up from Norfolk, Virginia when my Dad was stationed there with the Navy to see a Philles/Cardinals game. The BW and I are going next month. Philly sounds a lot like Houston - a no nonsense what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of place. I think I'll feel right at home. I hope to be able to add an "Eagles NFL Champs" cap to my cap collection while we're there. A cheesesteak "wit" and a local beer are definites.

Boston on the other hand has always seemed to me to be a bit pretentious. It's brie and chardonay rather than beef and beer. To each his own, but I think if those folks could learn how to shoot straight they'd be chowing down on the good stuff PDQ.

So who's going to win Sunday? It's got to be cheesesteak and beer over brie and chardonnay. Go Eagles!!!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Pelosi's Palaver

"I'm here to give the Democratic response to the State of the Union Address and I'm a litttle late getting started, so what? If you'd ridden over here with Teddy Kennedy and had to swim most of the way you'd be late too."

"As to the way I look, well up yours if you don't like it. It's not botox, I swear. I wear plastic kitchen wrap on my skin so tight it makes me look like a frightened pot roast but I have to so I can protect myself against the UV rays created by that evil George Bush when he refused to sign the Kyoto Treaty."

"After careful thought about what the President had to say about Social Security I say this: Booooooooo! Boo!! Ha, Ha. Boo, boo boo!"

"As to his plans for Iraq, I mean like really boo. Boo, boo boo."

"On immigration reform, I tend to agree with him. Just kidding! Booooooooooooo!"

"And finally, as to the general tone of his entire speech, I boo in his general direction. And hiss too."

Thoughtfully yours,


Tuesday, February 01, 2005

What the heck is wrong with German people?!??!?

So let me get this straight..........

In Germany.....funding/supporting/participating in "Fast Sperm Show" (read article below) = good. Funding/supporting/participating in the fight against Terrorism/Tyranny = bad??????? Pardon my "French" (ironic comment eh?) but WHAT THUH (expletive deleted)?!!?!?!??

Big sperm race is staged on German reality TV

Luke Harding in Berlin
Sunday January 30, 2005
The Observer

After Big Brother and Jungle Camp, Germans can tune in to a TV reality show this week that breaks new ground in trashiness ... Sperm Race. Twelve men will compete against each other to see which one of them has the 'fastest' sperm.

The contestants, who include two German celebrities and a health freak, begin by donating sperm in a clinic, say the programme's producers, Endemol.

The sperm will then be frozen and sent to the company's studio in Cologne, where the sperm will 'race' towards an egg - lured by a chemical that encourages them across the finishing line. Three doctors, including a gynaecologist, will be on hand to make sure the sperm behave correctly, while cameras will record it all.

As well as laying claim to the title of Germany's most fertile man, the winner will also be given a suitably German reward, a red Porsche.

Endemol Germany's president, Boris Brandt, denied yesterday that Sperm Race represented a new low point in dumbed-down TV. He claimed that the show had a serious scientific purpose. 'Sperm Race is serious. Fertility is a big thing in Germany,' he told Germany's Bild newspaper.

'About 1.8 million German men are unable to have children because they suffer from poor sperm. And there are disappointed girlfriends and wives, as well as parents who wait in vain for grandchildren.'

Brandt, whose company is responsible for the German Big Brother , said the cameras would not follow the contestants into the cubicles when they donated sperm.

Holy merde.