Monday, September 26, 2005

Pre-Evacuation Conversation

Prior to getting on the road and joining what was to become the single largest traffic jam in American history, I stopped by the local drug store to pick up a few things we might need. The place had been cleaned out; no batteries, bottled water or Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Not a Ding Dong in the house. Another desperate person told me if you had to have some Twinkies or a Moon Pie she'd heard you'd have to go all the way to Dallas. There's something about the possibility of impending death that causes you to temporarily go off your diet of bark and roots and be willing to stuff yourself with toxic nirvana.

I remained strong and turned down a shot at outmuscling an old lady for a box of creme-filled cup cakes. It would have been easy - a piece of cake. Several pieces actually. All I ended up with at the check out counter was one bottle of aspirin and a hunger for real food that would rival any found in a buffet line at an old folks home.

There was a line forming behind me at the check out counter but the lady working there avoided me like poison ivy. She was on the phone, dealing with what was obviously personal business - something that was much more important to her than selling me a bottle of aspirin.

As I waited along with everyone else, I heard her philosophy about the approaching storm. "I think we should just git as far away as we can", she said. "You don't know what these things is gonna do. You better pack up and just git the hell out'n da way, you know what I'm saying"?

I'm thinking, "no, I honestly don't know what you're saying because you butcher the english language worse than Attila the Hun on a march through Mongolia you ignoramus but I would like to buy this bottle of aspirin if you don't mind."

Back to Ms. Take This Job and Shove It: "Yeah, I got all I need. I'm all packed and ready. You got gas?" I saw my opening. In the loudest voice I could muster I answered her: "NO, I DON'T. JUST A LITTLE HEADACHE".

She hung up. I got out. Sometimes you just do what you gotta do. Know what I'm saying?