Idiots and Maniacs

Back in 1983, I won a national contest and was named The United States of America's Most outstanding Driver. I got a trophy and everything although I can't find it right now. Anyway, it's comforting to me to know that I'm the absolute best, the most skilled driver on the road, yet I manage to co-exist on the same roads with some of the worst drivers who've ever been issued a license this side of Bagladesh or Mogadeshu while remaining completely unscathed and never once resorting to road rage.

Have you ever noticed how everybody who drives slower than you is an idiot and the ones who drive faster are maniacs?

I was doing just short of the speed limit today when I closed on some slow poke idiot so fast I had to slam on my brakes to keep from rear-ending him. He must have been doing about 35 in a 55 MPH zone. While I was still trying to clean the spilled coffee off my lap, some maniac passed us both doing at least 90.

People say to me all the time, "how do you manage to deal with so many idiots and maniacs on a daily basis and still maintain your sparkling, upbeat personality?" I try to be modest about it, but when you've got looks, personality AND you're the world's best driver, it's real hard not to be just a little glib about it.

And that's the truth.