Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Rest In Peace

I'm angry....very angry. What type of cowardly, evil people are we dealing with in Iraq? What type of ineptness on our part has made the evil intentions of the so-called insurgents successful enough that they could slaughter our young men and women while they have dinner?

The deaths of so many young Americans in such a God forsaken place at the hands of such scum makes me want to bomb them back to the stone age.

Hey Muhammed. Here's hoping that W. and Rummy are arranging for you to find out whether that story about all those virgins waiting for you is true or not. May the bird of paradise fly up your butt and drop its' load.

And the camel you rode in on.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

The glories of Dramamine

I'm probably going to be away from the computer for the next two weeks. Sweetpea and I are heading up North to visit his family for Christmas, and I am not sure if I will have access to a computer.

We're driving so that he can bring some furniture and stuff back with him now that we have a house with like, closets and stuff. HIS idea. I fought it kicking and screaming.

Sooooo....

We're talking an approximately 55 hour round trip road trip.

27 up and and 27 back.

Sooooo....

This could be my last blog entry. I may be going to jail for harming my dear sweet husband around hour 26.... hehehehehehehe

I'm kidding. I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. Kinda. Sorta. We're going to be driving through parts of our great country that I have never had the opportunity to see. I hope I'm conscious. I have to take Dramamine on car trips and that stuff knocks me loopy.

Ahhhhhh Dramamine. Reminds me of a story from my wedding.

I believe I have mentioned before that Scott and I got married in Scotland. Mr. and Mrs. Bigandmean, my brother Doug, my Aunt Juleen and Uncle Tom and I flew in to London early. Scott, his parents and his Aunt were meeting us in Scotland several days later. BigandMean is a master trip planner. He rented us a van and mapped out a terrific sounding route where we would drive from London, stay the night in York, and then drive on to Scotland.

It sounds great, huh?

Ahem. We hit a few kinks.

The "large van" he rented was about the size of one of those...oh what were they called....I think Toyota made them around the time they were building the original Bugs....hippies always drive them in movies..... Anyways. This van was tiny. We had to fit all of our luggage, six people and a fluffy wedding dress in it. We were so crammed. My 6'3" brother had to sit in the back with the luggage, with his knees in his face, two full length velvet dresses plus a wedding dress laid across him for hours and hours and hours.

Ya know how the Brits drive on the wrong side of the road, so the driver is on the right side of the front seat??? Well, the van was a STICK SHIFT. Though Dad had driven a stick shift before, this one was on the WRONG side of the car.

So picture this.

Family, crammed like sardines. So much luggage piled in the back and on my brother that you can't see out the back. Dad is learning, as we go, to drive a stick with his left hand. We're in a foreign country with weird traffic laws.

Of course we immediately got lost.

AT THE AIRPORT.

Going 'round and 'round in circles, especially on those damn 'round'a'bout intersection thingies. It took us about several hours just to find our highway.

Fast forward a bit.

Eventually Dad stopped grinding gears, and we learned how to navigate (I ruled at navigating - remember that Dad? I don't know where it came from, but I kick ass at maps). After visiting York, one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, we finally hit Scotland. Here's where Dramamine comes in to the picture...

Acrophobia (is that the right one?), fear of heights, runs in my family. My Mom has had it for several years. I'm starting to get it, but not quite like Mom. I think I actually developed my phobia on this trip, as we drove to Scotland.

We went on this tiny highway through the mountains to get to Scotland, and it was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. Again, remember, we're on the "wrong" side of the road, driving in a foreign country, with a stick shift on the "wrong" side of the car....driving up and down steep mountains with tiny roads, AT NIGHT........

So Mom.........popped about....oh.....maybe five Dramamine......

and started grinning

and giggling

and singing a Scottish folk song called "Loch Lommond"....

over and over

and over and over

and giggling

until she passed out.

And I swear, it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. By taking that Dramamine she kept herself from having a panic attack......and she kept my Aunt and I entertained and distracted from our own fear of the steep roads and scary mountains.......it sounds odd I know, but it was one of my favorite moments from the whole trip.

I swear I have the cutest, funniest Mom that ever lived.

If I don't get to pop back on for a while, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!

Love you guys...

Happy Holidays?

The two words above get the title to this little blurb but other than that I won't mention them again. For me, it's MERRY CHRISTMAS. It's always been that way and always will be.

This issue came to a head recently when I noticed one particular Christmas card that never mentioned Christmas. It said those two words I said I wouldn't mention again and that was it. The coup de gras, excuse my french, was when I saw that it was designed in France!

I have no objection to anyone else wishing and hoping for a happy hannuka or a wild and kwazy kwanza or any other seasonal greeting of their choice. Feliz navidad is fine with me too, especially when served up with some home-made tamales which is a local Tex-Mex custom.

But I am a Christian and my preferred language is english so I'll stubbornly and proudly stick with "Merry Christmas". I'd ask those who may be offended to consider being as tolerant of my use of those words of season's greetings as I am of the ones that they may prefer. I'd also like them to know that I am not now, nor have I ever been overly concerned about political correctness so if they don't like hearing "Merry Chrismas" during the Christmas season and can't be tolerant of Christians saying it then they can go to hell.

By the way, what's the preferred greeting for Islamo-fascist Muslim terroists this time of year, "bombs away"? Whatever it is, to them and everyone else, whatever your spritual preference, please accept this wish sent to you this from deep in the heart of Texas: MERRY CHRISTMAS.




Thursday, December 16, 2004

The Strong Silent Type

Grandpa did a lot of things well but talking was not one of them. He was the grandson of an East Texas pioneer and was somewhat of a pioneer himself, having cleared over 200 acres of dense pine forest and created a homestead where he and his wife raised their 6 children.

He farmed and raised cattle, hogs and horses. He kept a smokehouse filled with smoked bacon and ham and grandma had a pantry that never seemed to run low on canned goods of all kinds. He built his house and barn with his own hands and also served as a county road commissioner. Needless to say, he was a very busy man.

He never said anything unless it served the sole purpose of communicating his thoughts. Otherwise, he considered any words to be a waste of time and effort and a potential distraction from some work that had to be done. Living with a family of story tellers and jokesters made him appear sometimes to be callous, but he wasn't, at least not to his grandchilren. He seemed to talk to us more than anybody.

He did carry on a long standing dialogue with Uncle Landon, which amounted more to a one-up-manship contest than any meaningful communication. Landon had read about weather patterns and was reciting some data about windy conditions when Grandpa said "no matter what your books say. The wind always blows hardest in March."

March came and went that year without any discernable wind. In like a lamb, out like a lamb. April came in like a lion and stayed that way. The wind blew constantly, once blowing the roof off the barn. Landon had a field day. He went on for days casstigating the old man who just took it all in, listening in silence and staring back over his reading glasses.

Finally, May arrived and the wind settled down but Landon was not about to. "Tell me one more time now about what you said about the wind always blowing hardest in March. How do you explain the way it blew in April?"

The old man didn't even look up from his book. He said "that was the March wind blowing in April. It was just late this year."

Argument over.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

GLOBAL WARMING? WHY NOT?

Winter is finally here and I'm thinking this global warming thing might not be so bad. According to some, if carbon dioxide emissions are not reduced dramatically in the U.S. immediately, the average temperature in the world will rise by one degree within five years. It's supposed to be down to 28 degrees in Houston tonight. Would 29 be so bad?

R.K. Pachauri, chairman of the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change claims that by refusing to go forward with The Kyoto Protocol, the U.S. is in large part responsible for world-wide storms, melting glaziers and rising tempertures. He didn't mention the really bad movies made in the U.S. depicting all those things.

Although President Clinton signed The Kyoto Protocol in 1997, President Bush has refused to go forward with it, contending that it would harm the U.S. economy. He also argues that the science supporting the theory of global warming is unproven and that the protocol would not apply to developing countries, such as China and India.

I agree with President Bush. Before we dramatically change our economy, we need to ask some questions and demand some real answers. Anecdotal responses are not acceptable. We need scientific proof.

Wouldn't Mr. Pachauri's native country of India benefit economically if we signed the treaty? Doesn't he benefit personally from a U.N. funded grant which would cease to exist if he found there was no global warming? Isn't there a natural cycle of climate change? Since we've kept records for only 100 years or so, how do we know that temperture change hasn't occurred several times in different climatic cycles? Where is the hard science?

Until the U.N. and other major grant recipients show me the real science I'll continue to think that global warming is a myth and the only thing that Al Gore really did invent.



Terrorist Alert in France

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of Frances' white flag factories, disabling their military.

Monday, December 13, 2004

COWBOY LOGIC

While waiting on a flight, a cowboy and an American Indian met at the airport in Houston and struck up a friendly conversation. They were soon joined by a third passenger who was pleasant at first but soon began to denounce everything American, especially George W.

The third passenger was an Arab student and a militant Isamist who continued with his tirade while the other two passengers grew quiet.

Finally, the American Indian spoke and said "once my people were many. Now we are few". Before he could finish, the Arab student said "once we were few, now we are many. What do you think of that"?

The cowboy pushed back the brim of his hat, looked the Arab straight in the eye and said "you know partner, we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet".

That joke's not politcally incorrect is it?

Saturday, December 11, 2004

MY HEAD HURTS

Crack may kill, but a head cold can make you wish you were dead. My head hurts, my ears are ringing and I've probably got the heartbreak of psoriasous too, whatever that is.

I've been lying on the couch all day watching football from beneath the corner of a big white, wet towel I've got wrapped over my face while trying not to listen to the BW (Jen adds - "BW" stands for "Beautiful Wife" for the newcomers) scurry about while humming Christmas songs. I look like Robert Byrd at a klan meeting with this towel over my head.

Even if she were the sick one, she'd still be doing the scurry about while humming thing which for the life of me I don't understand. I'll swear, women just don't get as sick as men do. I think it has something to do with having endured childbirth or something. It just ain't natural.

It's either that or they just pretend not to be sick. I'm beginning to think that's it....they just pretend that they feel fine so when we get sick we'll feel pressured to do the same thing. When you think about it that's pretty damn inconsiderate on their part.

I think making me soup and going to the drugstore for cold meds and cough drops was just part of the whole cynical plan. And smiling at me like that and asking if she can do anything for me....yeah she's just eating this up alright. Well, I'm not going to let her have the satisfaction of hearing me complain. I can be just as stubborn as she can.

She just started humming "O Little Town of Bethehem". If she doesn't shut the hell up I'm calling 911.

Friday, December 10, 2004

WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an injured and unconscious Iraqui soldier. On the opposite side of the road was a less seriously injured and very alert American Marine.

The marine explained what happened. He said, "I was moving north trying to catch up with my squad when I saw this armed Iraqui soldier coming towards me. I jumped for cover and he did too".

"I yelled at him that Saddam was a no good spider hole dwelling prick and he yelled back that John Kerry and Hillary Clinton were slime balls".

"We were standing in the road shaking hands when a truck hit us".

Thursday, December 09, 2004

My picks for best and worst of 2004

I don't know why, but I love reading best/worst lists. I thought it might be fun to write my own this year. It's mostly political, but I tried to throw in a little sports and entertainment as well.

Election season

Favorite convention speeches
Ron Silver, Zell Miller, Jason Phillips (co-chair of the African American Steering Community of Bush Cheney ’04) and Rudy Guiliani at the RNC
Barack Obama at the DNC

Convention speeches that were the most irritating
Ahhhhnald at the RNC (drop the damn movie clichés!)
Teraaaaaysa Heinz Kerry at the DNC (me me me me! It’s all about ME!)

Bush D’OH moment
Admittedly there were a few, but I thought the biggest one was the first debate debacle.

Kerry D’OH moment
Toss up between Calling our allies "some trumped-up, so-called coalition of the bribed, the coerced, the bought and the extorted", "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it."”, and the Mary Cheney thing.

Favorite Bush comebacks
“Want some wood?” and "a litany of complaints is not a plan"

Best Kerry comeback
"Well, you know, when I talked about the $87 billion, I made a mistake in how I talk about the war. But the president made a mistake in invading Iraq. Which is worse?"

Worst Politicians
Charles Rangle and Fritz Hollings for abusing their power by introducing bills to reinstate the draft not because they WANTED a draft, but because they wanted to scare people into voting against Bush.

Biggest political scandal
I almost went with Dan Blather, but that’s so pre-November. UN oil for food is bigger.

Biggest heros
The families of our military. Their strength is overwhelming. Our brave soldiers. Pat Tillman, for obvious reasons. The brave Iraqi bloggers, for opening eyes to what is really going on over there.
Juan Salas, an active U.S. Army Sergeant, who created an adopt-a-soldier program - see http://www.mville.edu/news/NEWS_nov04_mysoldier.HTML and participate if you can.
Last but not least, Colby "CBFTW" Buzzell, for bravely showing us combat through his intense eyes.

Sports

Favorite sports moments
Anything involving the Olympics (I'm a total junkie. I'll even watch Curling -- I love it all) and the world series (sorry honey). I love athletics mixed with emotion. I can't help it. I'm a girl.

Best Sportsmanship
Multi-medal winner U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps, for giving up his spot in the 400-meter medley relay to rival Ian Crocker, which allowed Crocker to win a gold medal.

Worst sports moment
I have to say the current steroid scandal involving Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and Marion Jones. Bonds potentially breaking Hank Aaron's record by using performance enhancing subtance is disgusting. I heard the Yankess may drop Giambi and go after my favorite Astro Carlos Beltran, and that pisses me off! Marion may be stripped of five olympic medals. What a mess. Tied for second, Kobe Bryant and the Ron Artest/fan brawl.

Entertainment

Heros
Gary Sinise - please visit http://www.operationiraqichildren.org/
Toby Keith - see this post for why.
Ron Silver - already mentioned him under convention speeches

Losers
The condescending so-called "Hollywood Elite", too numerous to name, for making total asses out of themselves over the election.

Favorite Movies so far (will have plenty of additions in the next month – holiday season movies rule!)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Incredibles
Friday Night Lights
Garden State

Worst movies I saw
Farenheit 911 (total bullshit movie number 1)
The Day after tomorrow (total bullshit movie number 2)

Favorite purchase of the year
TIVO!!!

Favorite new TV Show
Lost (If you haven't seen this yet, they are replaying the first two episodes next Wednesday. DO NOT MISS IT!!!!!)

Favorite new Reality TV show (was it new this year? I might be wrong…)
Extreme Makeover Home Edition (Never fails to make me cry)

Worst tv show of any category
That Who wants to marry a midget show/Littlest Groom thing

What are your picks for best and worst?

Monday, December 06, 2004

THE CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY and Massage Parlor Opening

Inspectors from the Centers for Disease Control have finally finished their work and cleared the way for the grand opening of the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library and Massage Parlor. Reports are that there may still be some design problems to work out because the doors have no handles....just zippers, but the The Clinton P.L and M.P. is open. After a few beers and gentle persuasion from some FOB's, OSHA and ADA inspectors just said "oh what the hell, let'er rip" and the south's largest double-wide is up and running and open for business.

The BW and I have seen both the George Bush Library in College Station and the LBJ Library in Austin so we're anxious to get a look at the newest one in the presidential line-up. We could drive to Little Rock in about 10 hours but the BW gets grossed out by those creepy little cross-eyed kids sitting on logs playing banjos. The State of Arkansas has hundreds of them at the Welcome Centers all over the state and all they ever play is that song from Deliverance. I think we'll fly.

It should be a cheap trip. The entry fee is only $5.00 but lap dances are extra. I hear all the dancers at the Clinton P.L and M.P. smoke cigars and look like they buy condoms by the six-pack. This should really be a hoot.

They have an exact replica of the Clinton Oral, make that Oval Office. My local contact tells me you should wear old shoes because for some reason the floor is sticky. There's some talk about a statue in a blue dress in the corner wearing knee pads but I think it's just a rumor.

I hear there's a ten foot replica of a chicken in the lobby. It's not the state bird, if that's what you're thinking but a symbol of President Clinton's War on Terror and foreign policy. They do have more chickens than people there though and rumor is most of them voted for Clinton so that could be the reason for the giant chicken.

Don't go hungry. They don't have a restaurant open yet so the only thing you can get to eat in the whole place is Twinkies and Ding Dongs from the gift shop. Wash your hands with antiseptic soap and scrub up to your elbows when you leave.

In the meantime, Clinton's thinking about moving back to Arkansas. He heard all the DNA's the same.

A special Sergeant, Falluja, and the 2004 blog awards

Check out http://sgtlizzie.blogspot.com/ . Sgt Lizzie was recently injured in Iraq. In her words, “I got my happy ass blown up.”. She’s tough and funny and brave. She is writing about her recovery. Did I mention she is tough and funny and brave?

Have you read Redleg's posts on Falluja, located here and here? There's some extraordinary accounts of our brave soldiers (including Chuck Yeager's grandson!).

Some of our favorite military blogs (CBFTW, Sgt Hook, Blackfive and more) have been nominated for “best military blog” here . You can vote once every 24 hours or so (read the rules!)Have you voted yet????

The blog awards site is pretty cool. They have tons of categories. You can get lost in the great links!

Happy reading.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed

SCHIZOPHRENIA Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....

PARANOID Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

SIZE MATTERS

Our friend Riceburner asked whether Alaska was bigger than Texas. Any man smart enough to live on the banks of the beautiful Delaware River probably knows that Alaska is bigger but that we Texans can still find something to brag about.

Take the case of the Texan who went to Alaska in the 70's to show the folks up there how to get their oil out of the ground. He was in a saloon after work, bragging as usual about all things Texan when he was reminded that Texas is no longer the biggest state in the union. He then was challenged by a local to go through what was claimed to be an honorary Alaskan initiation rite. He had 24 hours to do two things to prove he was as tough as the natives: wrestle a polar bear and make love for at least an hour inside an igloo to an eskimo woman.

The Texan struck out in the midst of a blizzard looking for a polar bear. He was back in the saloon the same day but was in bad shape. His clothes were shredded, his boots were missing and he was scratched and bruised from head to toe. After downing a shot of straight bourbon whiskey, he turned to the locals and asked, "OK, where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to wrestle?" That's the way I heard it.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

CHERRY MISTMAS

CHRISTMAS COOKIES

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check
for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or
something.

Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the
lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove
in the friggin wishdasher

CHERRY MISTMAS

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Julia's child(ren)

I don't generally pay much attention to the news du jour involving the Hollywood elite but something in the newspaper this morning caught my eye. Julia Roberts had twins....no, that's not what got my attention. What drew me to the story was what she named her kids: Phinnaeus and Hazel.

While two of my favorite names from American literature are To Kill A Mockingbird characters Atticus Finch and his daughter Scout, I've always thought it might be a bit risky to saddle a child with a name so unusual that the other kids would eat them alive.

I was in junior high school when Dad retired from a career in the Navy and we moved back home to East Texas, the land of the people who name their kids names that scream "pay attention to me, damnit".

There were the usual Jim Bob's and Mary Lou's but that was nothing. How would you like to go through life named Hiawatha? How about Orangejello and his brother Lemonjello, pronounced in a way that they sounded Italian? I kid you not. And then there was a woman named Ester and her twin daughters, Princess and Princester and her oldest son, King Edward The Fourth (not IV).

King Edward The Fourth was held back a grade and ended up in the same class as his younger brother. I'd always heard that they were sent home from school on the first day because the new teacher didn't believe King Edward The Fourth when he told her his name. She finally said, "I'm going to give you one more chance to give me your real name. If you say King Edward The Fourth one more time, you can just get up and leave".

"King" didn't say another word to the teacher. He just turned to his brother and said, "you might as well leave with me Alexander Czar of Russia. She ain't gonna believe you either". At least that's the way I heard it.